“He’s committed to not being committed.” Does this describe someone you know? It may be someone close, like say, your boyfriend. During the early stages of your relationship, commitment does not present itself as a significant challenge to overcome.
As your relationship grows deeper, and you start thinking long-term, questions related to commitment begin to rise from the depths of your mind. If such questions spook your partner, it could derail your relationship.
Commitment is the currency with which you pay for all the great things in life. That’s why the subject of commitment phobia should be dealt with immediately. Let’s begin by learning the genesis of the commitment phobe-man.
16 Ways to Spot Commitment Phobia and Commitment Phobic Men
Now that you know the reasons for commitment phobia, let’s look at some qualities that identify commitment phobic men.
- Historically Commitment Phobic – When you establish a level of comfort where you are ready to talk about your previous relationships, ask your boyfriend about his previous relationships. Pay attention to how long the relationship lasted and how the relationship ended. Based on this information, you can tell whether commitment is likely to be an issue in your relationship with him.
- Relationship with a Commitment Phoebe Is One-Dimensional – Okay, you’ve been on five or six dates, but, for somehow all the dates seem to be the same. For example, imagine that you met a guy on the dance floor during the Friday night party at a local club. Since then, your next three dates have been at various nightclubs across the city.
You tried to convince him to go out shopping, but he’s totally not interested in that kind of thing. Don’t you see the one-dimensional pattern here? Such relationships almost certainly end up with commitment problems
- Hesitates to Introduce You to Friends and Family – If a man serious about the relationship, he will definitely introduce the woman to his friends and family. On the other hand, unwillingness to do so indicates flakiness. Explaining why you’re no longer with someone to your friends and family is never a pleasant experience.
So, if the man is not expecting the relationship to last long, he will avoid bringing friends and family into the picture so that he doesn’t have any justification or explaining to do.
Clams Up When You Want to Discuss Other Aspects of His Life – Once you meet a person, and you’re interested in a relationship with him, it is obvious that you like to know more about him. You’d want to know about different aspects of his life, such as work, family, hobbies, religious beliefs, or values. But, if he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up, and seems like he wants to hide those aspects from you, then he probably finds commitment frightening.
- A Commitment Phobe Finds Long-Term Planning Scary – Moving forward as a couple requires you to plan the future. Occasionally, ask your partner about how you’d like your wedding to be, how many kids you like to have, or moving in together in a bigger apartment. Watch how he responds to such questions. If he dodges them consistently, you have a commitment phobe in your hands.
- Rations His Time and Availability – A healthy relationship is based on open communication. However, if your partner seems to be unreachable or unavailable during reasonable hours, it could be a red flag. A person who cares about you will ask you to call him later if he is not free. On the other hand, a person who doesn’t care will never bother to notify you when he’s busy nor will he suggest an appropriate time later to catch up.
- Moves Too Fast and Then Stops Abruptly – Men who are in relationship to satisfy their physical needs attempt to race through the bases and once they are at base four, the momentum suddenly declines. A healthy relationship grows gradually and momentum is never lost.
However, if your relationship is otherwise healthy, but the sex isn’t as good as it used to be, then you can mitigate any fear of commitment from your partner’s side by using female libido enhancing pills, such as the one hersolution offers.
Shields Himself from You Using Work or Something Else – Picture this, things have been going great for you so far. But, off late he’s too consumed by his work to spend time with you. Chances are that he’s using work to shield himself from spending time with you. Of course, such situations may occur from time to time when things get crazy at the workplace. But, if the condition is chronic, your partner is using work to run away from a committed relationship.
- Life Lacks Structure – If a person leads an organized life and has put structures in place that ensures his well-being he is less likely to face commitment issues. On the other hand, if a person is a drifter without a good idea of where he is heading in his life and does not have goals to strive towards, you can interpret this as one of the signs of commitment phobia.
- Doesn’t Honor His Words – People who consistently make promises without following through, don’t take their words or themselves seriously. If your partner is habitually late, frequently forgets to do what he said he’ll do, or makes excuses for not living up to his end of the bargain, then he is passively displaying commitment phobia symptoms. Imagine, if he cannot meet small promises, then how he will ensure the fulfillment of big promises, such as fostering a harmonious married life.
- Loses Charm After a Few Meetings – Most people have had experiences where the first date was nothing short of magical. But, the magic seemed to wear away as the novelty fades. If the quality of your relationship is declining, your partner will not have the strength required for overcoming commitment phobia.
- Talks More and Listens Less – Any successful relationship depends on creating effective communication channels that work both ways. A man who goes on and on about himself, without devoting an equal amount of time to listen to you, is looking at the relationship as a means of massaging their ego. Such men have a low sense of self-esteem and are insecure. This almost in every case fosters a fear of commitment.
Financially and Professionally Unstable – Commitment is a quality that permeates every aspect of a person’s life. So, a person committed to financial stability, along with professional growth, has the potential to be committed to his relationship as well. If he chooses to express that potential, he can work through any issues and move the relationship forward.
- Talks Big but Doesn’t Take Action – The phobia name for fear of commitment is gamophobia, which is the Greek word for fear of marriage. Since marriage is a huge step in any person’s life, you ought to suspect fear of commitment if your partner is the kind of person who is all talk and no action. A good question to ask your partner is about his greatest accomplishment. If you feel that your partner’s achievements don’t match his potential, then he’s probably suffered from the fear of commitment throughout his life.
- Deals Poorly with Stress – Confident men have a deep understanding of their strengths and weaknesses. As a result, when faced with a challenging situation, they have a good idea about how to tackle it. On the contrary, men who lack an inner sense of who they are and what they are capable of become They don’t trust their ability to manage their relationship. Because of this, there likely to back off as soon as things get a little tense.
- Takes More Than He Gives – A farmer who continuously reaps one harvest after another without replenishing the nutrients in the field will eventually find his fields barren. In the same manner, a relationship in which one person is always giving without receiving anything from the other person will eventually grow weak.
True commitment is impossible without a strong connection, and a strong connection is not possible in the absence of proportional giving and receiving. So if you’re in a relationship in which your partner takes more than he gives, fear of commitment will rear its ugly head for sure.
10 Reasons Why Men Face Commitment Issues
The word, “commitment,” is a synthesis of the prefix com, which means completely, and the root word mittere, which means to give over. So, in its literal form, the word commitment means “to give over completely.”
When you examine this meaning from the context of a relationship, you’ll receive a quick insight into why a man can be a commitment phoebe. For one reason or another, he is just not ready to give himself over completely to you. Here are the most common reasons for the fear of commitment in men:
- Keeping His Options Open: A man usually has a list of attributes that he would like to see in his life partner. As long as he carries this list with him, he’ll keep looking for the perfect candidate. Even if he is in a relationship, he’ll keep an eye out for someone who matches his list more closely. Consequently, such a man prefers to remain in a relationship out of which he can quickly back of if required.
- Not Ready to Grow: Sharing one’s life with another person introduces a large number of new variables to cater to. This requires the person become more responsible and accountable. Some people feel that they are not prepared to do that.
For them, the gap ahead seems wider than they can jump. But, this does not mean that the person will never commit; given enough time the person may feel comfortable to take the next step in the relationship.
- Emotional Baggage: Traumatic experiences from the past have the tendency to stop a person from moving forward. This could be anything from a bad relationship, the death of a loved one, or childhood abuse. In such cases, commitment phobia treatment through counseling and support can help him overcome a painful past and accept your invitation to create a new future.
- Hedging the Bet: Sometimes, in order to minimize his losses, a man may date multiple women at the same time. He does this so that he has options in case one or more relationships don’t go the way he expected. If you are caught in a relationship with such a person, you’ll encounter stiff resistance when commitment issues arise.
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Photo by Mike Baird / CC BY Different Priorities: In addition to the relationship, there are other areas of life, such as health, finance, and career, which demand a man’s attention. Unfortunately, most people don’t give equal priority to all areas. As a result, if there are higher priorities in your boyfriend’s life, he will want to wait until he’s got that area under control.
- Afraid of Failure: In any relationships, there are many what-ifs. If the what-ifs are overwhelming, then moving beyond a certain point in the relationship would seem as if he is setting himself up for failure. Not surprisingly, his inability to cope with the fears, stemming from the what-ifs, stops them from committing to a relationship.
- In it for the Sex: Some men feel a void within them that they try to fill with sex. People who do this, enter relationships for the physical aspect of it. However, when the relationship develops to a point where it’s no longer just about sex, they begin to feel the pinch and break up for a reason that’s silly at best.
- Peer Influence: To a man, being in a committed relationship means spending more time with your girlfriend. This indirectly means that he will get less time to spend with his buddies. So, in order to stay with the gang, a man refuses to move on to a serious relationship. Women experience this as a sign of commitment phobia.
- Excessive Pressure: Moving into a serious relationship is a big deal and men need time to think it over. If you constantly pressure him to make a decision, you will force him to step out of his comfort zone before he is ready. So, he’ll say no to you just to take the pressure off. Even worse, he’ll give you an empty yes and wreck the relationship.
- He’s Just Not Into You: It is possible that what you thought was love was probably just an infatuation for him. If your partner and you don’t have the same general idea of what the relationship is and should be, you are likely to face commitment issues.
Some of the reasons described above are genuine problems that men face as they progress through life. With compassion and patience, men can rise up to the challenges and succeed. If this is the case with your partner, then he might say yes after a few months, even if he saying no to you right now. However, if you feel that your partner’s lack of commitment is putting you at a disadvantage, then you should move on.
Test His Commitment Occasionally
Your partner may display only some of the above signs, and the intensity at which he exhibits each of those signs will also vary. If you see your partner exhibiting a number of signs given above, you can test his commitment to be sure that you’re making the right call.
Begin with something simple, such as asking him to pick you up from work. Then you can deliberately invite him to an activity that’s outside his comfort zone, like say singing on karaoke night. When you have your next fight or disagreement wait for him to make things up. Ask him questions about your future as a couple. Your partner’s reaction to such situations will help you confirm your assumptions.
Once you’re sure your partner has the necessary grit and determination to handle the responsibilities of a committed relationship, ask him if he is ready. If his response sounds like one those commitment phobia quotes, such as “Let us do everything that couples do except commit,” then it is better that you get out of the relationship.
When you do break up, make it clean and let him know the precise reason for breaking up. If you leave the relationship without explaining the reason clearly, your partner’s commitment phobia will cause him to stick to you, begging you for another chance to make it work. You do not want to be in this kind of a yo-yo relationship.
Also remember, you will eventually find the person who is right for you. So don’t be disheartened. Instead, pat yourself on the back for having the strength to do the right thing at the right time and in the right way.